I am a *codependent*. Recovering, self aware, codependent.
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I have severe *abandonment* issues. Also self aware and recovering, really well actually. But that was the button that would spiral me out of control. That's actually what put me in a rehab facility last March.
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I was clinically diagnosed with *anxiety and depression*.
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I was previously on Zoloft & Xanax (2016) to manage my life.
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I completely *abandoned my inner child*. I abandoned myself because I felt like I already failed her, so I became obsessed with making sure all of my friends and families kids have unique, crazy, fun and memorable experiences, but I still left my inner nugget behind.
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I have been known to primarily react with a *trauma brain* in my relationships. An argument to me would mean that I was going to be left, and when that feeling would come over me, it wasn't just that person leaving, I felt like I was going to be deserted by all.
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I carried so much *shame*, that I put on a completely different face for everyone. I lied, often.
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I remember sitting at a stop light in Dublin, CA, and my boyfriend at the time was asking me what was happening. He noticed the ups and downs, he saw my struggle. My struggle was also destroying him as well.
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I told him "I feel like I won't make it through. I feel like I'm standing at the bottom of Mt. Everest, with no tools or equipment to start my climb, but the only way I'll live is if I get to the top".
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I considered only putting this on my business page, but after a lot of thought I realized that I only wanted to do that because I felt embarrassed and shameful to share this with people who know me personally.
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I then realized I have never been the only one feeling this way. For me, the way I've been acquiring these tools have been through pure honesty and ownership.
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Nobody climbed Mt. Everest from the bottom straight to the top.
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And climbing Mt. Everest is not a cheap journey. You have to work for the tools to assist and support your climb.
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I want to be able to help people who are in this painful place, where they feel like they'll never make the climb. I want them to know they're not alone, and I want to make their behaviors familiar so it's easier to learn about.
